Interviewing Lilykins
by belly.buttons
Summary: In which very little interviewing is actually done. T for moderate language and mild adult themes.


_Lily_

**James**

Remus

_**Sirius**_

Peter

_**I assume you know why you're here?**_

_Not at all, no._

_**We're interviewing you, Lilykins! C'mon, we've told you this thousands of times.**_

_...Right. And can I ask why you had to blindfold me, take me from my bed in the middle of the night and endure multiple painful hexes and curses just to ask me some moronic questions?_

_**No. Moving on...**_

**When exactly did you start having these extreme, unignorable lustful feelings toward me?**

_**Oi! I do believe you're talking about her feelings toward me, Jamesie Poo.**_

I had nothing to do with this, Lily, I promise.

_Of course you didn't, Remus. You're the only one a smidgen of sense, after all._

_**Answer the question!**_

_Easy. Never._

**Oh, come on, Lils. You know my charm and rugged good looks are impossible to resist.**

_Stop looking at me like that, James, and try a breath mint sometime._

_**Ooooooh!**_

**Shut up, Sirius!**

What's your favourite type of candy, Lily?

**Really, Pete?**

I'm just curious...

_**Well stop being so curious. Curiosity killed the cat, after all.**_

But Peter isn't a cat, so I don't think that applies here.

_**Of course it does.**_

And why would that be?

_**Because, well... Because I bloody said so, alright?**_

**On a scale of one to one hundred, how much do you want to snog my face off right now?**

_One hundred._

**Really?**

_No. More like a negative one hundred._

_**Absolute value of**_** negative one hundred.**

_No._

**Stop denying it, Lilykins.**

_Stop calling me Lilykins._

**You let Sirius call you Lilykins!**

_**Because she likes me more than you.**_

What do you plan on doing after graduation?

_**Don't waste your breath on these pointless questions, Lily! Remus and Pete, I think you need to be escorted out.**_

_What exactly is your definition of a proper question, then, Sirius?_

_**Oh, I dunno. Something along the lines of 'how opposed to the idea of a—**_

_Never mind! I really don't think I want to know._

Can I touch your jomblies, maybe?

_Peter Pettigrew!_

_**Atta' boy, Pete! That, Evans, is my definition of a proper question.**_

_One that makes me uncomfortable and is utterly vulgar?_

_**Sounds about right.**_

_You're a despicable human being._

**Are you uncomfortable, Lily?**

_Yes, quite. Thank you for asking, James._

**You can always sit on my lap if that would be more comfortable for you.**

_I'm done here, I think._

_**Oh, come on, we were just having a bit of fun! Sit down, we promise not to be rude anymore.**_

_You promise?_

_**Didn't I just say so? Right, sit right there.**_

_I hate you all. Except for you, Remus, I like you._

**That hurts, Lily. That cuts deep.**

_I hope it cut deep enough to kill you._

**Ouch. That's cruel.**

_Nothing you don't deserve, Jamesie Poo._

Does anybody have a _real_ question?

I do...

_**No you don't.**_

Okay.

_Peter, ask me your question._

Do you think Mary MacDonald... fancies anyone?

**Oh, good Godric...**

_I'm guessing you're asking if she fancies _you.

_**Stop blushing, Pete. It doesn't suit you.**_

_How can you stand to be such a complete toss-pot?_

_**How has that stick managed to stay lodged up your arse for sixteen years?**_

**How are you not dead yet?**

Why are we still talking about this?

Is there a reason we're all asking questions?

_Did you want me to answer yours?_

Yes, please.

_She's talked about you a few times, Peter. Sort of the way I'm sure James talks about me in the dormitories._

She said I have huge knockers and she'd love to b—

**Well, look at the time!**

_He says he'd love to _what_, Peter?_

**You know, Lily, Peter really gets to rambling after midnight. You can't trust anything he says. He's a bit loopy right now, I'm sure.**

_**No, Pete, go on!**_

**Sirius!**

_**You told me to shut up earlier. This is payback, arsehole.**_

**Peter, don't you dare...**

_**Do it, Pete, or I'll tell Lucille Hopkins you fancy her!**_

Not Loony Lucille, please!

James tells us every night how nice your breasts are and how he'd love to bang you.

**REMUS!**

_JAMES!_

**I never said that, Lily, I swear!**

_You're disgusting!_

**I-**

_**Are you a natural ginger?**_

_Yes, Sirius, I am._

_**Are you sure?**_

_Positive._

_**You don't want me to... you know, check for you or anything?**_

_Are you implying what I think you are?_

_**Probably.**_

_Then absolutely not. I thought you all promised not to make me uncomfortable anymore._

_**Don't ever trust a Marauder, Lilykins! ... Lillian Marie Evans, how dare you roll your eyes at our sacred na- Stop it! Stop rolling your damned eyes!**_

_It's a bit stupid, is all._

**Lily Evans!**

_James Potter!_

_**Sirius Black!**_

...You're an idiot, Sirius.

_**And you're rude!**_

_I'm tired; can I go back to bed now?_

**Absolutely not.**

_You're all out of questions, though._

_**I'm not!**_

_I don't care about your questions._

_**What is this, Be Mean to Sirius Day?**_

That seems like a nice holiday.

_I'm going to bed._

**No!**

_Goodnight, Remus._

G'night, Lily.

_Goodnight, Peter._

Goodnight!

_Goodnight, Sirius._

_**Goodnight, Evans.**_

...

...

**What about me?**

_You forget that I hate you, James._

**(X)**

**Well, what did y'all think? Just felt like being a little stupid tonight(: Drop me a review!**


End file.
